The Hidden Struggles of Parent Loss: Why Society's "Natural Order" Narrative Fails Us
- C Killeen
- Sep 21
- 5 min read
Updated: Sep 23
By Corinna Killeen, Registered Counsellor specializing in grief therapy in Vancouver, British Columbia.
Losing a parent is often dismissed as simply "part of the natural order of things." While this phrase might offer comfort to some, it frequently minimizes one of life's most profound losses and creates unrealistic expectations for those navigating parent loss grief. As a grief counselor in Vancouver, BC, I've witnessed how this societal narrative can actually complicate the grieving process and leave people feeling isolated in their pain.
The Pressure to "Bounce Back" After Parent Loss
Society often expects people to recover quickly from parental loss, as if there's an acceptable timeline for grief. When someone struggles beyond this imaginary deadline, assumptions arise that something is "wrong" with them. This pressure to "bounce back" can be incredibly damaging to the natural grief process.
The reality is that parental loss grief is complex and deeply personal. There's no standard timeline, and healing doesn't follow a predictable path. For many, the loss of a parent represents:
The end of their longest relationship
Loss of unconditional love and support
Confronting their own mortality
Dramatic shifts in family dynamics
Loss of guidance and wisdom
Why Friends and Family May Pull Away During Parent Loss
One of the most painful aspects of parent loss is often the isolation that follows. Friends who still have their parents may unconsciously distance themselves from your grief because it forces them to confront their own fears about losing their parents. This avoidance can lead to:
Decreased social support when you need it most
Friends cutting ties or becoming uncomfortable around you
Feeling abandoned during your most vulnerable time
Increased loneliness and isolation
If you're experiencing this isolation after parent loss, know that this reaction says nothing about your worth or the validity of your grief. It's a reflection of others' discomfort with mortality and loss.
The Unique Pain of Losing Your Parent and Best Friend
Many adult children develop incredibly close relationships with their parents, often serving as caregivers or considering them their best friend. When this relationship ends through death, the loneliness can feel unbearable. This is especially challenging when:
You were your parents' primary caregiver
Your parent was your closest confidant
Other family members don't understand the depth of your bond
You feel ostracized by family that had different relationships with your parent
Unresolved Relationships and Lost Hopes
Parent loss becomes even more complicated when the relationship was turbulent or unresolved. Many people hold onto hope for:
An apology that never came
A chance to repair the relationship
Understanding or closure
Reconciliation or reunion
When a parent dies with these issues unresolved, the grief becomes layered with additional pain, regret, and what-if scenarios. This type of loss requires specialized support to navigate the complex emotions involved.
Medical Trauma and Witnessing the End of Life
Losing a parent often involves medical trauma from witnessing their decline and death. This can create lasting impacts, including:
Intrusive memories of medical procedures
Guilt about medical decisions
Trauma responses to hospitals or medical settings
Replaying the final moments repeatedly
When Assumptive Worlds Shatter
We build our lives on assumptions about our family's longevity based on family history and health patterns. When a parent dies "too early" or unexpectedly, our assumptive world shatters. This can leave us feeling:
Betrayed by life's unpredictability
Robbed of expected time together
Uncertain about our own future
Struggling to trust in any sense of security
The Weight of Guilt and Regret
Parent loss often carries heavy burdens of guilt, shame, and regret:
Not being present when they died
Missing signs of declining health
Feeling you didn't do enough to help
Regret over words said or unsaid
Self-blame for any perceived failures
These feelings are common but can be overwhelming to navigate alone.
Loss of Guidance and Direction
Parents often provide a sense of guidance and direction for their adult children throughout their lives. When they die, many people feel:
Lost without their wisdom and advice
Directionless in major life decisions
Lonely in their achievements and struggles
Uncertain about carrying on family traditions
Questioning their identity without their parents' influence
Shifting Family Dynamics After Parent Loss
The death of a parent inevitably changes family dynamics. The roles they played - mediator, patriarch/matriarch, connector - suddenly disappear, leaving:
Power vacuums within the family system
Conflicts that the parent previously managed
Changes in family gathering patterns
Altered relationships with surviving family members
Questions about inheritance and possessions
Breaking the Silence: Why We Need to Talk About Parent Loss
Despite parent loss being nearly universal, we rarely discuss it openly. This silence perpetuates:
Shame around struggling with "normal" grief
Isolation during the grieving process
Lack of preparation for this inevitable loss
Insufficient support systems
Continued stigma around grief and mourning
Why does talking about loss still feel taboo in our society? Perhaps because it forces us to confront our own mortality and the temporary nature of all our relationships.
Finding Support for Parent Loss in Vancouver, BC
If you're struggling with parent loss, you don't have to navigate this journey alone. Professional grief therapy can provide:
A safe space to process complex emotions
Tools for managing guilt, regret, and trauma
Support for complicated or unresolved relationships
Strategies for rebuilding life after loss
Connection with others who understand your experience
Online Grief Support Options
For those who prefer or need remote support, online grief counseling offers:
Accessibility from anywhere in BC
Flexible scheduling around work and family
Comfort of receiving support from your own space
Continuity of care even during difficult travel periods
Moving Forward After Parent Loss
Healing from parent loss doesn't mean "getting over it" or returning to who you were before. Instead, it means:
Learning to carry your grief alongside your love
Developing new ways to feel connected to your parent
Rebuilding your identity without their physical presence
Finding community with others who understand
Your grief is valid, your timeline is your own, and your need for support is legitimate. Parent loss may be common, but that doesn't make it easy or something you should navigate alone.
Take the Next Step
If you're struggling with parent loss and ready to begin your healing journey, I'm here to support you. As a Registered Therapeutic Counsellor in Vancouver, BC, I specialize in grief therapy and understand the unique challenges of parent loss.
Contact me today to schedule a consultation and begin your path toward healing.
Serving Vancouver, Burnaby, North Vancouver, West Vancouver, Richmond, and surrounding areas in British Columbia. Online grief support is available throughout British Columbia.
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