Death Anniversary Dates Can Affect us Deeply
Death Anniversary Dates affect us deeply ,as humans we mark special occasions, anniversaries, birthdays, and deaths, we do this because we like to be able to tell linear stories. Storytelling is how humans pass down important messages and lessons to each other. Specific dates stand out to us because they are part of our narrative and linear story about our lives. I find dates don’t just affect me mentally, my body often knows they are coming before my brain does. I will start to feel tired or have less capacity for things the closer certain grief dates get.
Many cultures have celebrated their dead for thousands of years, in North America we tend to be removed from death in many ways, we don’t have our elders live with us until they die, and most of us don’t hunt and kill our food anymore. Death and violence are gratuitously shown in movies and TV shows but we have been desensitized to strange storylines of fake superheroes who often come back to life. No one wants to talk about death for the most part or think about it in a society obsessed with staying young so that companies can sell us bull shit products.
Often we worry about being vulnerable and showing our pain to a world that prides itself on capitalistic beliefs and “picking ourselves up off of the ground no matter what!” Narratives.
After my brother died for years, I felt annoyed when people would say things like “Wow it's already been 5 years ….” Death anniversaries are always a juxtaposition for me.
I love to remember the people I have lost, share their memories, and honor them.
Yet, sometimes when life feels like a lot I don’t know if I can do it fully.
Sometimes my energy is low and I feel sad and I don’t want to share or talk about my pain with people. It feels private and I want to protect myself, my energy, and my memories. So, I do what feels right for me, by listening to my own needs I also honor my lost loved ones. I choose what I share and with whom, not everyone can listen and be empathetic towards someone who is grieving.
Loss over the years
Death is weird, it’s a separation from the person that you loved.
Your person isn’t here anymore and it affects your life in so many ways, not just that they aren’t there.
They don’t text, call or write anymore. There are so many secondary losses in grief, like no one to watch TV with, no one to help make dinner to spend time with, and no one to help pay the bills or with the kids. Of course, all grievers have a long list of losses that have come along with the loss of their person. I miss my brother’s encouraging pep talks; I’ll never get another one from him.
You might feel them but they aren’t there physically.
Maybe you have adjusted to them being gone now, maybe you haven’t, it’s been a year, maybe it’s been 10 years or 50 years.
But then that date comes along. That fateful day on the calendar that took them away. It opens up the pain and memories that sometimes loudly or quietly sit underneath the surface of you. It can also open up joy, remembrance, beauty, and celebration of their lives.
We can choose to acknowledge our loved one openly or keep it to ourselves, there is no “right way to grieve or remember someone”.( The world however does seem to want often to dictate to grievers how they should act and how they should feel.) Often when grief is ignored, pushed down and unacknowledged is when we can get stuck when we try to pretend it doesn’t hurt or we aren’t affected by it. Ignoring these special dates and pretending the story just moves on generally isn’t helpful for most people. Being unwilling to acknowledge the pain, discomfort or even joy can keep us stuck. Many people in your life will not remember these dates and that’s okay.
I’ve heard some people say that they honor their loved ones' memory when they are in the moment and it doesn’t have to do with any particular date for them. There is no right or wrong way to grieve or to remember our loved ones. Leaning into grief is healing, acknowledging our loss, and leaning into the process is healing, be it at a 1st anniversary or 50th anniversary.
We may never get over the loss of the person we love, but we grow to have the capacity to embrace the pain and keep living a meaningful life.
5 Ways to Cope with Your Grief on their Anniversary Date
1. Rituals: Doing something meaningful for you or the person you lost. I like to walk near a place my dad and I walked the last time he visited me before he died. Sometimes I will wear a piece of jewelry my dad gave to me. I like to eat my brother’s favorite food. Often we buy a birthday cake for him and still get together to celebrate him and his life. Create an altar of things that remind you of them; pictures, candles, a display, whatever feels right to you.
2. Feeling your feelings: taking time to acknowledge your feelings about what has happened, and how this loss has affected your life. Allowing yourself to feel how you feel and not shame or guilt yourself for not “being over it.” Journaling can be helpful. Write them a letter to say something that perhaps was left unsaid or just to tell them how you are feeling, burn the letter, or place it on your altar.
3. Integrate their memories into special events: I hang an ornament on the Christmas tree for my lost loved ones, each one is a little different, some have pictures, some have names, and it warms my heart. I had a beautiful picture of both my dad and my brother at my wedding where everyone could see it so that they were acknowledged on my special day.
4. Sharing your stories and memories of them with others: sharing a post on social media and asking others to share a memory of them.
5. Get Support: Grief support groups or talking to friends who have also lost loved ones. I have a few friends and family members that I can talk to and share with about my grief and it is so healing to talk about and feel heard and seen. Talking to a trained grief counsellor can help you to process what has happened and work through areas where you may be feeling stuck.
The most important thing is being true to yourself and honoring the one you lost in a way that feels authentic to you. There is no set limit to how long you can do this.
“To live in hearts, we leave behind is not to die.” – Thomas Campbell
About the Author: Corinna Killeen is an online grief and trauma counsellor living in British Columbia, Canada. She works with clients all over the province. Corinna is a griever herself, she has personal experience with parent and sibling loss.
If you are interested in working with her you are welcome to book a free consultation here:
Or reach out via email if you have any questions for her: CorinnaKilleenCounselling@gmail.com
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